Quitting in Breast Cancer

Quitting in Breast Cancer

“I give up.”

How many times have I said that to myself or thought that during this long, arduous
thing called “breast cancer”? If I had actually tried to keep count, I’m sure I would have
lost track.

Quitting comes up a lot. I don’t mean in a melodramatic way of leave me alone here to
die. I just mean in the getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other as you
deal with the enormity of your news and the incredible busyness of managing your disease
and treatment and then actually going through the treatment. Oh, yeah, and the rest of your
life continues without interruption (see “E Is for Epiphany”).

In the early part of the process, the sheer number of appointments will give you pause.

You need to be checked out for all your doctors—the breast surgeon, the oncologist, the
plastic surgeon. It is a lot to keep track of, especially if you are one of those people who
has been pretty healthy and only saw the doctor once a year.

“We need to draw blood for X.”
“You need an MRI.”
“We need to draw blood for Y.”
“You need another biopsy, there’s another mass.”
“We need to draw blood for Z.”
“You need to go to nuclear medicine for your MUGA scan; we want to know if your
heart can stand chemo.”

“Oh, yeah, we need to draw blood for X, Y, and Z.”

On and on it goes, and your thoughts range from You people need to quit poking me
with needles to Yes, I do mind if a medical student practices drawing blood from me.

That whole keep-moving-through-your-tiredness thing (see “X Is for eXhaustion”) is
another point where quitting seems to be the most attractive option.

YOU: I can’t walk further than this block.
VOICE IN YOUR HEAD: You have to keep moving, just another block.
YOU: Okay, I made it to the end of this block. I need to quit now.
VOICE IN YOUR HEAD: Will yourself through the tiredness.
YOU: But doesn’t turning around and walking the same distance back count?

I will confess, that whole keep-moving thing was incredibly hard for me. The days I did
it I felt a tremendous sense of achievement; the days I didn’t I tried to cut myself some
slack.

If you lose weight during chemo, my theory is that it’s not necessarily because you are
throwing up. The advancement in antinausea medicine is truly extraordinary, and while I
felt plenty nauseous, I didn’t throw up once during chemo. I think the real culprit is your
taste buds, which have been blown to smithereens by the poison. “You need to proteinload,”
the nutritionist told me. That’s all well and good, but taste, texture, smell, everything
is out of whack. I took to eating with plastic utensils because everything tasted like the
metal of the silverware. The texture of yogurt did make me feel like I wanted to barf.

Almost everything I ate left a salty taste in my mouth, including mint–chocolate chip ice
cream! And the things I usually enjoyed, like the smell of broccoli stir-fried in garlic? No
thank you. And the thing I love most, a nice cup of tea, was completely off the menu. I
didn’t drink tea during my treatment at all, and prior to that you could have described me
as an addict. My day could not get going without a cup of tea. Really, why even bother? I
should just quit eating and drinking.

Is there ever an acceptable moment to succumb to the desire to quit? Well, if you believe
the combative rhetoric surrounding the breast cancer movement (see “W Is for Warrior” ),
then I guess the answer would be no. In a real-world example of cognitive dissonance, that
combative rhetoric is often coupled with a gossamer pink lens through which the soldier
looks at her adversary. From this vantage point, attitude is all. As if somehow your bad
attitude gave you breast cancer, now a good attitude will cure it. By this logic, your attitude
should be Don’t quit, keep fighting, keep pushing, and you can beat this thing.

Well, sorry to be contrary, but yes, there are times when it is okay to quit. Maybe for an
hour, maybe for the day. The whole doctor appointment and testing regimen thing—can’t
really quit that. Other things, though, hell yeah, you can give yourself permission to say no.
There will be days when you will not be able to walk through that eXhaustion. That’s
okay. It won’t be forever, and maybe taking a break will make you feel well enough to
walk a bit further the next day.

Well-meaning family and friends will be plying you with “good, healthy food” that will
actually make you want to puke. Just politely tell them you are quitting eating that for now
and find what works for you and eat it to your heart’s content. For me, it was peanut
butter, crackers, and Gatorade. It’s funny, it’s a little like pregnancy; weird chemical
distortions are happening to your body, and you think you will change forever. However,
like pregnancy, this, too, shall pass.

And the odd day when you want to quit the world completely—no contact with anyone,
getting lost in a chick flick or a book or just your own company—that is the most satisfying
quitting of all.