What do I do now that my loved one is dying?

97. What do I do now that my loved
one is dying?

As difficult as it is, information on the dying process
will help you to prepare for the final stage of your loved
one’s life.

Nancy’s comment:

As family members gather to say goodbye and sit by the
patient, a living eulogy can allow the patient to feel that he
or she has lived a valued and important life. Remembering
and sharing memories about the good times accomplishes
this task, and sharing even the tough times helps the dying
with the difficulty of saying goodbye. Even when lives are
fraught with misadventure, everyone has some good that
can be encouraged, discussed, and honored.


You may now have reached the point where your loved
one is “actively dying,” a process which, without heroic
medical intervention, will result in the body ceasing to
function. If you haven’t already done so, ask the doctors
what you can expect to happen physically. As difficult
as it is, information on the dying process will
help you to prepare for the final stage of your loved
one’s life. Knowing in advance what symptoms can
occur, such as pain, shortness of breath, or breath
sounds, gives you the opportunity to discuss with the
medical team the treatments to make your loved one
most comfortable. Being informed also helps ensure
that these treatments are provided in a timely manner
later, particularly during times of crisis.

Managing the practical aspects of care for a dying person,
whether in the hospital with the medical team or
at home through a hospice program, can be looked at
partly as another test of your problem-solving skills.

But the greater part is the emotional challenge of
managing your fear and grief in the face of imminent
loss. On the one hand, you are trying to provide your
loved one a safe passage. You are looking after this person’s
physical comfort, reassuring your loved one that
he or she is not alone, maintaining his or her sense of
dignity, assisting him or her in defining and expressing
whatever thoughts that he or she might have—and
want to share—about the meaning and value of life in
his or her final days. On the other hand, you are saying
goodbye to each other, beginning that process that
allows both of you to let go of one another.

The hard part is staying close to the dying person—
that is, remaining practically and emotionally
involved—but knowing when to give him or her permission
to go, so that he or she does not feel either
guilty about dying or abandoned by you. The actual
goodbye can be phrased in different ways, but as Ira
Byock, a well-known expert on dying suggests, there
are five things that people may want to say in one way
or another: “Forgive me;” “I forgive you;” “Thank you;”
“I love you;” and finally, “Good-bye.”