I have to go to work for financial reasons, but I feel so bad about leaving my husband to go to medical appointments without me. How can I do my job and not feel so guilty?

86. I have to go to work for financial reasons,
but I feel so bad about leaving my husband to
go to medical appointments without me.
How can I do my job and not feel so guilty?

You need to acknowledge that you cannot physically
and emotionally “do everything.”

Mark’s comment:

Your commitments to your day-to-day life can’t end because
someone you love is sick. If you stopped working to take care
of him or her all the time, you’d both starve, which isn’t an
improvement on the current situation! Sometimes practical
matters just have to come first, and to heck with feeling guilty
about it—it’s the way it has to be, and that’s the end of it.

Family and friends are often torn between providing
support and care for the patient and their other life
duties, such as work. This is particularly true if there
are financial concerns, since this adds to the pressure
and sense of conflict between providing financial support
and providing care. First of all, talk to your husband
about how you feel, and ask him if he wants or
needs someone with him at every appointment. Sometimes
caregivers feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility
to be with patients at every minute, and,
ironically, patients sometimes want a bit of time to
themselves but they don’t say anything for fear of hurting
family members’ feelings.

Most importantly, you need to acknowledge that you
cannot physically and emotionally “do everything.” If
the patient does want companionship or assistance
during an inpatient hospitalization, for example, you
may ask other family or friends to take “shifts” being
with your loved one during your work day. You can
then schedule your shift for evenings and weekends.

For outpatient appointments, ask these people to
assist with driving your husband to and from appointments
(if he is unable to drive) or visit him during
longer chemotherapy treatments. This plan also provides
opportunities for other friends and family members
to spend quality time with your husband, and
fosters feelings that they are contributing to his care.

If you do not have others who can assist, and you can
afford it, consider hiring a private aide or nurse to
supplement his care (at home or in the hospital).

On an emotional level, guilt is a feeling that arises
when someone believes he or she is doing something
to harm someone, or believes he or she is not doing
enough to prevent harm. Loved ones have told us that
they feel pressure to do everything for the patient
because they fear that if they do not do everything,
the cancer will come back, or worse, their loved one
will die. As long as your husband is not in danger, you
need to establish realistic limits and understand that
you are neither responsible for your husband’s cancer,
nor are you going to make the cancer worse by setting
realistic limits and doing necessary life tasks, such as
going to work. In fact, sometimes family members do
too much for patients, increasing dependence and
reducing helpful physical activity. If your husband is
physically capable, it may be good to support his independence
and his sense of control by encouraging him
to continue to do household chores and/or other
activities by himself.