Is thinking about death bad luck? Although he doesn’t talk much about it, I know my husband has been thinking about death and dying since the doctors first suspected he might have cancer.How much is normal?

89. Is thinking about death bad luck?
Although he doesn’t talk much about it, I
know my husband has been thinking about
death and dying since the doctors first
suspected he might have cancer.How
much is normal?

Mark’s comment:

People who think of death as a bad thing don’t understand
that it can be a release sometimes—if your loved one’s body
is so severely damaged by disease, the spirit is relieved of
that hurt when it’s set free by death. But thinking about
death is not the same thing as obsessing about death. If
death becomes an obsession, if you think about it and
worry about it all the time, then you may need to get
counseling.

When someone is faced with the news that he or she
has cancer, frequent thoughts of death are common.
Death is something that, at least in the United States
and many Western cultures, people often try to forget
about; they simply deny that it exists. A cancer diagnosis
cuts right through this denial, and fears of mortality
flood through. Some people are more prepared for this
realization; others are not. For those who are less prepared,
this may be the first time in their lives that they
have truly realized they are mortal. Thoughts of death
may include the following:

1. Thinking about one’s own impending death and
what it will be like

2. Remembering past experiences with death and
losses

3. Paying more attention to death in the news
or books

4. Talking more about it to family, friends, or religious
advisors

5. Worrying about pain and other medical aspects
about the dying process

Ironically, understanding one’s own beliefs about death
can be helpful to coping. In order to understand himself
better, your husband should pay attention to when he
thinks about death, what he thinks about, and how
he feels about these thoughts. Let him know that if he
wants to discuss these issues, he should find someone
with whom he can talk openly about death and dying.

You may not be that someone, at least right now, for various
reasons. He simply may not be ready to talk with
you about it, or you may not be ready to hear it. Don’t
take it personally if he chooses not to discuss these
thoughts with you now. It may take time and practice
before he is able to discuss these things with someone
very close. Also, people close to patients sometimes misinterpret
discussions of death as “giving up” or find it too
much to handle, in which case someone more objective
to speak to, such as a religious advisor, a doctor or nurse,
or a counselor, may make it less stressful for both of you.

Thinking about death neither makes it come faster nor
is it bad luck. However, if your husband finds himself
thinking about death and dying for long periods of
time (for most of the day, many days in a row), or if he
is thinking about taking steps to end his life, contact
his doctor or a mental health professional immediately.

Call 911 if he has plans to hurt himself or others.
Depression and other psychological issues can make
thoughts of death overwhelming.

Additionally, people who are experiencing various
physical symptoms or side effects may misinterpret
these experiences, believing that they are actually dying
when, in fact, they are not. Pain and other factors altering
quality of life are common and may precede
thoughts of wanting to die. However, when these medical
problems are solved, thoughts of death or wishes to
die usually subside as well. Therefore, if your husband is
comfortable, encourage him to talk about his thoughts
and feelings about dying with his family and/or with
the medical team so that he understands these thoughts
are normal. Sharing feelings can be helpful to him and
may also help you, the rest of the family, and the medical
team better understand what your husband is experiencing.

When all of you understand him better, you
can help him more effectively in his time of distress.