What are the tasks of grieving, and what does it feel like?

99. What are the tasks of grieving,
and what does it feel like?

According to J. William Worden,1 who has written
extensively about grief, there are four principal tasks
that are essential to the mourning process: (1) accepting
the reality of the loss; (2) working through the pain
of grief; (3) adjusting to life without the deceased; and
(4) “emotionally relocating the deceased and moving
on,” which does not mean forgetting the deceased, but
rather finding “an appropriate place” for them “in their
emotional lives—a place that will enable [those left
behind] to go on living effectively in the world.”

Grieving is painful. People in grief can experience feelings
of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety, as well as
physical sensations, such as hollowness in the stomach
or tightness in the chest and tearfulness, among others.

There can be a variety of changes in the way they
think and act: confusion, preoccupation, longing for
the deceased, searching and calling out, sleep and
appetite disturbances, social withdrawal, and sometimes
restless hyperactivity. These reactions will normally
diminish and pass with time. Talking with your
family and friends, a member of the clergy, or a grief
counselor can help you manage your grief.

In Worden’s view, mourning the loss of a close relationship
requires at least a year, possibly two, though
this varies greatly depending on the individual and
cultural background. Mourning is in a sense “completed”
when the bereaved person can think of the
deceased without pain and can “reinvest his or her
emotions back into life and in the living.” However,
you should keep in mind that everyone goes through
grief and mourning in very individual ways. No one
can put a time limit on how long you grieve, or the
various emotional reactions you may experience,
which are often likened to a roller-coaster ride. Nevertheless,
if you experience grief that is so intense that
it leaves you feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope,
or lasts for what feels to you to be an overly long
period of time, your grieving process may require the
intervention of a grief specialist, to help you work
through the tasks of mourning. Long periods of grief
can lead to clinical depression, so talk with a professional
if you are concerned about the depth or breadth
of your grief process.

As a caregiver, you may feel relief now that your caregiving
responsibilities have come to an end upon the
death of your loved one. For some, these feelings can
lead to further feelings of guilt beyond those normally
experienced by survivors. Others become anxious,
because in addition to the loss of their loved
one, they are losing their roles as family member and
caregiver that had deeply defined them—and their
lives—for a long period of time. You are now
embarking on your own journey of healing. Be kind
to yourself, use the techniques and strategies we’ve
provided in this book to help you cope, and don’t forget
to reach out to others to help you find your place
in the world again.