How can I be “strong” and supportive with my spouse while continuing to cope with my own reactions to this diagnosis?

52. How can I be “strong” and supportive
with my spouse while continuing to cope
with my own reactions to this diagnosis?

Just as patients feel a loss of control when they are
diagnosed with a medical illness, caregivers also
often feel a loss of control.

After his wife was diagnosed with cancer, one husband
said, “I feel like I am a passenger in a car on a dangerous,
icy road. My wife is driving, and she is ultimately
in control of crucial decisions that will affect both of
us, and I am fearful of what will happen.” Just as
patients feel a loss of control when they are diagnosed
with a medical illness, caregivers also often feel a loss
of control. As a spouse, you are an observer of what is
happening, but you are also profoundly affected by
your partner’s reactions and decisions.

You probably share a large burden of the caregiving
responsibilities. Loved ones report periodically feeling
helpless and concerned that, no matter how hard they
try, they cannot do enough. You may experience feelings
similar to that of the patient, such as depression,
sadness, anxiety, and fear. Your life will be disrupted, so
understand that these adjustments represent significant
changes and allow yourself time to come to grips
with them. As you are coping with your own reactions
to the diagnosis of your loved one, you are also being
expected to perform functions that may be new to you.

These changes can cause discord between you and
your spouse, particularly if you are not prepared to talk
about these issues as they arise or if you have had relationship
problems before the diagnosis of cancer. For
many couples, communication could use fine-tuning,
even before a diagnosis of cancer. If you need some
direction on how to begin more open communication
about your spouse’s diagnosis, start by asking your
partner questions about how he or she is feeling (both
physically and emotionally), and how you can help.

For example, you may ask:

• How are you holding up?
• Tell me, what is this really like for you?
• I notice that you have been quiet lately. Do you
mind telling me what you are thinking about?
• I will try to be here for you any way I can. Could
you give me some pointers on ways I can help?

You may want to express your own concerns and feelings
to your spouse also. Couples often want to protect
each other from their feelings, and in essence, put up
an emotional wall. If you take the lead, your spouse
may feel that it is okay to share as well. However,
remember that you do not need to share everything all
the time, particularly if you are not comfortable talking
about your feelings. Find what works for you—do not
force yourself, or your spouse, to talk.

In addition to communicating feelings and needs, you
may consider the following suggestions for how to help
your partner, depending on how he or she is feeling:

• Try not to let the topic of cancer dominate all conversation.
Talk about other things.
• Live life with your spouse. Do enjoyable activities
together.
• Buy a thoughtful gift as a token of your feelings. A
note tucked in a pocket can be an unexpected
reminder that you are thinking about your partner.
• If he or she is agreeable, take on the “public relations”
role by communicating to other people how
your spouse is doing.
• Touch your spouse. Touch is an important part of
intimacy and reassurance, particularly when words
are not enough. Touch is also calming.
• Allow your spouse to feel what he or she is feeling.
If your spouse is feeling down, ask why he or she is
feeling that way, instead of trying to “fix” the problem
immediately or pressuring your spouse to be
more positive.
• Do gently remind your spouse about positive aspects
of life, such as people who love him or her, or
upcoming enjoyable events, like a wedding or party.
• Help your spouse feel less dependent and more in
control. Reassure your spouse that you are fulfilling
your role as caregiver out of love, and try to help
your spouse maintain as much control as possible by
continuing to participate in household decisions,
making social plans, or doing other activities independently
according to how he or she is feeling.

Tip: If you are interested in improving communication,
keep in mind that “forcing” your spouse to talk, or suddenly
changing your methods of communication, may not bring
about the intended result of better communication. Instead,
try asking open-ended questions and listen to what your
spouse says. An open-ended question is one that has to be
answered with more than a simple yes or no. It invites the
respondent to share or explain his or her thoughts.Wait for
the answer. Some people need time to gather their thoughts
before expressing them. Listening is just as important as
talking (sometimes even more so!).