Shouldn’t I be doing everything possible to help the patient?

44. Even though I feel overwhelmed, I don’t
think it’s right to think of my needs right
now. Shouldn’t I be doing everything possible
to help the patient?

If you’re pushing yourself too hard and too long, you may
be compromising your ability to support the patient, both
now and in the future.

In times of crisis and great distress, we are often able to
summon tremendous reserves of strength and endurance
to protect and support our loved ones who are hurt or
suffering. It’s natural to want to devote every ounce of
energy to this task, in the hope of some benefit to our
loved one, regardless of the physical, emotional, or spiritual
toll on ourselves. “After all,” we believe, “this is what
I have to do now, at whatever cost. I’ll have time later
on to deal with the consequences.”

The problem is, if you’re pushing yourself too hard
and too long, you may be compromising your ability
to support the patient, both now and in the future.

Pushing your limits can drain energy and increase
stress. You may also neglect your own health under
such circumstances. For example, we have seen many
caregivers postpone their own medical care out of
feeling obligated to spend all their time with the
cancer patient. If you get sick, won’t this affect the
care you are able to provide to the patient? If your
emotions are threatening to unravel, how helpful can
you be to a patient who is trying to calmly chart a
course through treatment? It is very important that
you attend to your own medical, physical, and psychological
needs.

Furthermore, a caregiver may not see that other family
members feel neglected or overlooked because all of his
or her attention and energy is devoted to the patient.

For example, if you have children, the care you provide
them may change in the face of new responsibilities in
caring for the person with cancer. Be sure that other
people dependent on you are well cared for and safe.

Although it’s difficult, it’s sometimes necessary to take
a step back and examine what you are doing for the
patient, and why. Providing too much care, even out of
love, is detrimental when it undermines the confidence
and ability of patients to perform the tasks they are
capable of doing themselves. Even when the care is
necessary, is it truly required that you alone have to
provide it? For many reasons, sometimes caregivers
have difficulty letting others help them assist the
patient. This is often not reasonable or sustainable,
depending on the level of assistance the patient needs.

Of course, there are some barriers in getting help from
family, friends, or healthcare professionals. Other family
members may have jobs and/or their own families to care
for; insurance will not cover enough hours for help at
home, and there is no money to pay for private care.

Address these problems with the help of a social worker
or whomever you feel comfortable with as a problemsolving
partner. But understand, too, that respecting your
own needs does not necessarily mean doing less for your
loved one. Sacrifice is not the same as martyrdom. By
remembering to protect and nurture yourself, you will be
that much stronger and better equipped emotionally and
physically to help your loved one through hard times.