Our children haven’t said much since their father was diagnosed with cancer, but we’ve noticed that they’re trying almost too hard to help out at home, which is definitely a change. Is this normal?

60. Our children haven’t said much since
their father was diagnosed with cancer, but
we’ve noticed that they’re trying almost too
hard to help out at home, which is definitely
a change. Is this normal?

You may be surprised at what your children may
be thinking. Ask them.
They need reassurance that they are neither the
cause of the cancer nor responsible formaking it
go away.

Children often blame themselves for problems, including
a parent’s cancer diagnosis. Many children create
fantasies to explain events. They might think that their
father got cancer because they were not doing well in
school or because they shouted something at him or
secretly wished that something bad would happen to
him the last time they were punished. Because children
often think that they did something to cause the
cancer, they sometimes think that they have the power
to make it go away. A youngster may become the
“model child” and try to do everything right. A
teenager may suddenly become overly helpful around
the house or the play the role of “substitute parent.”

Sometimes parents mistake this exemplary behavior
to mean that their child is coping well. However,
being “perfect” can be a tremendous burden for your
child because of the feelings of responsibility that
this method of coping entails. Children may fear
that if they “mess up,” they will make the ill parent
worse; if a complication occurs, they may feel guilty
that they did not try hard enough to be perfect. You
may be surprised at what your children may be
thinking. Ask them. They need reassurance that they
are neither the cause of the cancer nor responsible
for making it go away.