My friend is a single mother of two young children. Even though she is doing fine medically since her cancer diagnosis, she would like to make plans for the care of the children if something should happen to her. Is this possible? If so, what do I do to help her?

63. My friend is a single mother of two
young children. Even though she is doing
fine medically since her cancer diagnosis, she
would like to make plans for the care of the
children if something should happen to her. Is
this possible? If so, what do I do to help her?

Thousands of children are orphaned every year due to
the death of a parent. The care of these children after a
parent’s death is often not planned for. Subsequently,
these children may be placed in foster care, may be
adopted, or may be subject to other legal and non-legal
arrangements, often causing disruption and trauma to
the children involved. To avoid confusion, to reduce
trauma to the children and potential guardians, and to
increase the peace of mind of the parent, a standby
guardian can be legally designated. A parent, such as
your friend who is diagnosed with a life-threatening
illness, can identify a standby guardian in case something
happens to her in the future—either due to this
illness or for another reason.


Standby guardian =  A legally designated person who will 
have custody of a patient’s children in the event of their 
parent’s death or mental incapacitation.

Securing standby guardianship for children is a very
emotionally difficult thing for any parent to do. It represents
an acknowledgment that it’s possible she may
not live long enough to see her children grow up, and
accepting this reality is the initial, but most difficult
step. It sounds as if your friend has already come to
this realization. And, even though she is doing well
medically now, she is putting her children’s needs first
by wanting to make plans for their future if something
does happen to her.

There are many ways you can help her. Be there to
talk to her about her feelings, thoughts, and plans for
her children. If she does not have a specific person or
couple in mind as potential guardians, then she may
need your support in deciding whom to ask. The first
person usually considered is a biological parent (the
children’s father/s). If this is not possible or recommended,
other family members or close friends may
be identified. After she has already identified someone,
she may need your support talking to that person
about her plans. As a friend, you can be there for her
for emotional support and guidance.

You may also want to investigate resources for her,
such as lawyers who specialize in custody planning. If
the patient is not able to afford a lawyer, she can contact
agencies to seek assistance, such as the Legal Aid
Society or the bar association of the state where she
lives. It is important that her plans for guardianship
are planned out legally to allow for the smoothest transition,
and many resources are available to help her
through this process, including the Internet. (See
 www.standbyguardianship.org, a Web site
providing state-by-state information regarding standby
guardianship legislation, and www.lawhelp.org, which
is an online legal assistance referral service for people
with low to moderate incomes.)

Children should be made aware of the plans for their
future, and they should talk about this with their
mother, if possible. As a friend, you can help arrange
these discussions between the patient and her children
if she is finding it difficult to do so. Children need to
know that their mother is taking care of them, no
matter what happens. They may be sad and upset,
understandably, but the fewer surprises they experience,
the better they will cope. If your friend does die
from this disease, you can be there to help her children
adjust to her death. Knowing of your support
now and in the future may be particularly comforting
to your friend.