I feel that my husband and I are growing apart since his cancer diagnosis.Why is this happening?

54. I feel that my husband and I are growing
apart since his cancer diagnosis.Why is this
happening?

Discussing feelings or the topic of cancer
is difficult, even for the most expressive
people. Remember, however, that displaying
emotions, even tears, can bring people
closer together.

This is a hard question to answer without understanding
much about a couple’s relationship before the cancer
diagnosis. However, cancer is a huge stress on
individuals, families, and couples, and this stress can
strain even the closest relationships. A primary contributor
to emotional distance is blocked communication.

A common reaction we see among patient and
family alike is a wish to protect the other from
unpleasant reactions or feelings. Sometimes, holding
back thoughts or emotions is appropriate. However, if
this becomes a pattern and these reactions are never
discussed, holding back from telling your partner may
sometimes seem like keeping a secret.

We have found that if patients and their partners
start talking more openly about their fears, emotions,
and questions, they often find they have a better
understanding of where the other person is coming
from, which can make people feel more connected to
each other. Discussing feelings or the topic of cancer
is difficult, even for the most expressive people.

Remember, however, that displaying emotions, even
tears, can bring people closer together. Good support
is one of the most important parts of positive coping.

Often, reduced intimacy occurs after a cancer diagnosis,
and this can contribute to the belief that you are
growing apart. This feeling can stem from less effective
communication, as stated earlier, but also from stress,
changes in a patient’s body image, and side effects of
cancer treatment (such as fatigue, nausea, recuperation
from surgery).

Part of maintaining or improving communication
also starts with the physical connection you
and your spouse share. If sexual relations were an
important part of your pre-cancer relationship and are
not now, you may want to alter how both of you react
physically to one another. For example, affection shown
by hugs, kisses, and touches may be reassuring to the
patient, and to you. As the initial shock of the diagnosis
passes, you may find that new ways of physical communication
will transform into a sexual connection. Couples
also tell us that their sex lives fluctuate, depending
on their stress levels. This is normal. When people are
preoccupied, sex may be the furthest thing from their
minds. For others, it is the best stress-reliever!