My husband is not sure whether he wants to tell anyone about his diagnosis

64. My husband is not sure whether he
wants to tell anyone about his diagnosis.
I believe that I have to let some family
members and friends know what’s going on.
Whom do I tell, what do I tell them, and how
will they react?

If you start to feel overwhelmed, simply tell
people that you appreciate their concern but that you
feel better discussing the medical concerns solely
with the doctor.

Some people do not tell anyone anything (sometimes
not even their spouses) about the cancer diagnosis,
whereas others tell the world everything (literally,
by writing books about their experiences).While telling
no one can lead to lack of support and isolation, disclosure
is a highly personal decision, and one that
patients should have as much control over as possible.

Discussions about medical issues and body functions
are usually kept private in our society. It’s natural for
people to be unsure of how much to tell others. After
learning about your husband’s cancer, such as where in
the body it is located and about the functions of that
body part, both of you may begin to practice talking
about his diagnosis with close, trusted friends and
family. See how they react and what questions they
ask. Often, knowing what other people think and the
questions they ask helps patients and family members
prepare themselves for what to tell other people. If you
and your husband feel comfortable and choose to tell
other people, start talking about his diagnosis more
openly. If it fits with your personality, humor is often a
good icebreaker and can make you and others feel
more at ease. As patients learn more about their cancer,
prognosis, and treatment plan—and the helpful
role that family and friends can play in this process—
they may become more comfortable generally talking
about their illness.

Keep in mind that you and your husband may have
different ideas regarding who, what, and how to tell
others. He may need more time than you do to adjust
to the diagnosis, or he may feel that he wants to keep
this information confidential. You and your husband
may want to specify what you are going to tell other
people if they ask you questions, so that you are providing
consistent information.

Remember, people you tell will have their own conceptions
about cancer. If you decide to disclose the diagnosis,
be prepared for a variety of reactions to the
news. For some, talking about cancer elicits fear and
misunderstanding, and they may want to avoid the
topic. Some people wrongly believe that cancer is contagious
or that cancer is always terminal. Some
patients and family members have felt rejected by others’
unintentional reactions, sometimes from close
friends who do not call anymore or do not want to
socialize. On the other hand, other friends or even
distant acquaintances may offer their support. Old
friendships can grow and new friendships bloom.

Some people may be very interested in your husband’s
diagnosis, treatment, and even prognosis. For these
reactions, provide only as much information as he and
you feel comfortable providing—don’t feel pressured
to divulge too much. People may also want to share
their own experiences with cancer or information that
they think will be helpful. Some family members have
found advice and sharing helpful, particularly in the
beginning. However, sometimes this information can
be confusing, particularly when the information is
irrelevant to your situation or when it is upsetting. If
you start to feel overwhelmed, simply tell people that
you appreciate their concern but that you feel better
discussing the medical concerns solely with the doctor.

You may hear of, or know of, other people diagnosed
with cancer, maybe even the same type of
cancer, who are not faring well medically. Remember,
however, that every person is different, every cancer is
different, and every person’s response to treatment is
unique.

Most people will be supportive and sensitive to you
and your husband’s needs and offer support. Be prepared
to accept such offers. Do not be afraid to ask for
specific help, such as driving your children to their
activities, preparing meals, helping with laundry and
cleaning, or just doing something fun together. People
with whom you share the diagnosis may be relieved
when you ask for specific help as it takes pressure off
them to try to figure out how to help. They want to
feel useful and be involved. Furthermore, by accepting
assistance, you may feel less stressed by having fewer
drains on your energy.