What can I say to people who have cancer? What shouldn’t I say?

What can I say to people who have cancer?
What shouldn’t I say?

If and when a person with cancer does decide to talk,
it may be better simply to listen well to what he or
she has to say rather than to say things you think will
make the person feel better.

You can say the same things you said to them before
they had cancer. Don’t be afraid to mention the disease,
but attend closely to their responses. This means
to listen not only to the words, but also the tone of
voice and to observe body language. Some people want
to talk about their cancer, while others don’t. And how
they respond today can change the next time you see
them, so it’s not a bad idea to check in with them
occasionally by asking again if they’d like to talk. If
they prefer not to discuss their cancer, at least they
know you care and are willing to listen when they’re
ready. Besides, it’s not always necessary to talk about
the cancer, and surely there are many other things that
they would enjoy having a conversation about.

If and when a person with cancer does decide to talk, it
may be better simply to listen well to what he or she
has to say rather than to say things you think will make
the person feel better. If you want to say something
encouraging, remind the person of his or her personal
strengths or how well he or she had survived hard times
in the past. Focus on really listening to what the person
with cancer says. Rephrase what he or she has told you
and say it back to him or her. This type of communication
may seem unnatural to you at first, but it can be an
effective way to demonstrate that you are listening to
what the person is saying.

Try not to offer advice unless it is asked for. Keep in
mind that talking about other people you know who
have had the same diagnosis or a comparable illness
may come across as second-guessing the specific decisions
a person with cancer has made or as a criticism of
how he or she has handled the experience in general.
Do not stop calling or visiting, unless he or she specifically
tells you to stop communicating. And, do not tell
others about the diagnosis or the information shared
with you unless you have the patient’s permission.
Trust is particularly important at this time.


Mark’s comment:
Basically, when a friend or relative tells you they have cancer,
there’s not much you can or even should say—you just
have to try to listen to them. When a male friend of mine,
Frank, explained to me about his lymphoma, I didn’t really
say much except that I thought he should go get a second
opinion—it didn’t seem as though his doctor was telling
him what he needed to know. After asking him first, I then
made an effort to go out and find some good doctors who
came highly recommended. Frank is not knowledgeable about
computers or the Internet, so doing it for him saved him
some trouble. I don’t ask him about his cancer—I let him
talk about it when he wants to.

There are a lot of things you shouldn’t say. If hearing your
friend has cancer makes you uncomfortable, you might react
by being overly sympathetic and alarmed, or else joke the
discomfort away, and neither response is very helpful. It’s
best to be matter-of-fact about the subject and supportive,
urging the person to talk if he or she wants to. Humor does
have its place—there are times that being blunt, in a
humorous way, can help your friend to cope better. For
example, a female friend, Janet, who has a brain tumor,
was waffling about going through with her surgery because,
she said, “I don’t want to be bald.” I told her, “Bald is temporary,
dead is permanent.” And she laughed. But then she
admitted what I already had figured out, which was that
she was scared of dying during surgery, and I let her talk
about that. Talking didn’t change her mind any about the
surgery—she still hasn’t had it, and every day she procrastinates
risks her life—but at least she can talk about her real
fears now and isn’t quite so scared of the prospect.