My partner and I are in a committed relationship, but are not married.How will this affect us?

68. My partner and I are in a committed
relationship, but are not married.How will
this affect us?

If you and  your partner agree that you
are the primary caregiver and/or should
be privy to medical information, your partner
should make this clear to her doctors and family.

Non-married partners may face added challenges
when one person is diagnosed with cancer. These
challenges can be broken down into several categories:
interpersonal, legal, and financial.

First, define your relationship to yourself and ask yourself
practical questions, such as: How involved are you
going to be in your partner’s medical care and decisions?

Have you spoken to her about her wishes on
these matters? Are you going to be a primary contact
for the doctors and nurses, or is someone else in her
family? Are you going to be able to provide personal
care to your loved one if she becomes too debilitated to
care for herself (temporarily or permanently)? Think
about these important issues, and then discuss them
with your partner. A cancer diagnosis can make both
people think about the level of commitment in their
relationship and hopefully discuss these issues openly.

Partners of patients, whether they are in a heterosexual
or same-sex relationship, may sometimes feel ignored
in the medical setting or marginalized by the patient’s
family members. If you feel that you are being overlooked
by the medical staff, or by other involved family
members, speak with the patient first, if possible. If
you and your partner agree that you are the primary
caregiver and/or should be privy to medical information,
your partner should make this clear to her doctors
and family.

At many hospitals visitors are restricted to spouses
and “family members,” particularly in critical situations,
and hospitals may not provide medical information
over the telephone. Family members not
supportive of your relationship may try to exclude
you from discussions with the doctor, decision making,
and even prevent you from visiting the patient.

Protect yourself and the patient by establishing your
relationship and involvement with medical decisions
from the very beginning. Patient confidentiality
concerns limit what medical professionals can tell
people other than the patient about the patient’s
medical care. If your loved one agrees, she or he
should ask the doctor to clearly indicate in the medical
record that you are able to receive information
about the patient’s condition or medical details in
person or via telephone and have visiting privileges.


Patient confidentiality = Legal limits as to what the 
medical team can tell people other than the patient and 
his or her spouse or designated surrogate/healthcare
proxy.


Additionally, you should always carry a copy of the
signed healthcare proxy if you are identified as the
surrogate decision maker.

Same-sex couples sometimes face discrimination by
medical professionals. In addition to the financial and
legal protections mentioned in this book, you may also
want to talk with a community agency specializing in
gay/lesbian/transgender concerns. Advocates there
may have additional suggestions on how to protect
yourselves legally (since this can vary from state to
state), financially, and emotionally.

Both married and non-married couples need to budget
for unexpected costs related to the cancer diagnosis,
such as transportation, insurance premiums and copays,
and reduced income if the patient is unable to
work.Whether or not you and your partner keep your
finances separate, the two of you should discuss the
level of financial responsibility you are able, and willing,
to contribute. Financial issues are among the most
stressful issues with which couples coping with cancer
grapple, and more planning can reduce tension in your
relationship.

You want to be sure that your stake in any common
property or combined finances is legally recognized.

For example, domestic partners sometimes have their
home in just one person’s name, even though both
contribute to the house payments. If something
should happen to either one of you, your investment
in this property may not be recognized if your name
is not on the title or lease. In other words, you may
lose money and property if you are not legally protected.

Each state has unique laws pertaining to nonmarried
partners, and you should speak with a lawyer
to discuss ways to protect yourselves. For example,
property may need to be in both of your names, and
each of you should have a last will and testament.

You may also want to discuss other financial issues
with an accountant or financial planner. Some people
choose to put finances in a living trust, transfer
funds into the well partner’s account, establish financial
power of attorney, or open joint banking
accounts so that finances are less likely to be contested
by other people.


Last will and testament = A legal document specifying a 
person’s wishes with regard to inheritance after the
person dies.

Living trust = A legal document created for a person
while he or she is still alive in order to protect financial
assets. A financial planner or lawyer can provide details.

Power of attorney = A surrogate or proxy decision maker 
for the patient who legally makes all health-related and
financial decisions for the patient; entails a legal document.


There are other non-financial legal considerations
that you may discuss with a lawyer. If you serve as
your partner’s primary caregiver and/or he wants you
to serve as his healthcare surrogate decision maker,
you should make sure that he has identified you as
such in writing—in some states this is called a healthcare
proxy form. He may also see a lawyer to give you
his power of attorney regarding his health care. If your
partner does not specify you as the surrogate decision
maker, you may not have this right. In fact, in most
states, family members may have the legal right to
perform this role, thus potentially excluding you from
any involvement. You may also want to make sure that
relevant family members know that you are identified
as the surrogate and what your partner’s wishes are.

This may prevent crises and tensions between his
family members and you, particularly if your partner is
ever mentally incapacitated and medical decisions
need to be made.