How do I help my partner manage the stress? The cancer diagnosis, upcoming surgery, and possible chemotherapy and radiation therapy all seem so overwhelming. Where do I begin?

34.How do I help my partner manage the
stress? The cancer diagnosis, upcoming
surgery, and possible chemotherapy and
radiation therapy all seem so overwhelming.
Where do I begin?

First, identify your partner’s past coping techniques.
Start by looking back on how he or she has coped with
difficult situations in the past. People tend to use the
same coping techniques to deal with difficult, but different,
situations. Have his or her methods been productive
and effective? As long as they weren’t negative
forms of coping, such as drug or alcohol abuse,
overeating or under-eating, or violent behavior, it may
be that past coping strategies are still effective now.

Generally speaking, learning about the diagnosis and
treatment in advance of the office visit may make particularly
stressful situations more manageable. Patients
often describe the time before surgery or chemotherapy
and radiation therapy as particularly stressful.

They play the “hurry up and wait game,” which
describes the situation of feeling the urgency of getting
a definitive diagnosis, establishing treatment and other
important aspects of the disease, and then waiting for
treatments to begin. They have described the fear that
the cancer is still growing in their bodies. Some people
may demand radical treatment prematurely as a result
of this stress, and this could be an irreversible decision
that these people later regret.

Furthermore, patients often misunderstand chemotherapy
and radiation therapy, and this misunderstanding
can cause extreme fear and dread in some patients.

For example, some people assume they will be very sick
(including nausea, diarrhea, and so on), be in pain,
and/or lose their hair. True, some patients may experience
one or more of these symptoms, but new cancer
treatments, and medications that control side effects,
enable patients to better tolerate radiation therapy and
chemotherapy. Many people experience few or no side
effects. Others do experience more side effects, but they
continue to maintain an active lifestyle with minor
changes to their daily activities.

It can help if you and your partner talk with a former
patient whose treatment was similar to your partner’s,
to pick up some useful tips on how to manage treatments.

If the plan is to have chemotherapy or radiation
therapy, and your partner is someone who likes to be
informed and prepared, you and your partner may consider
making a visit to the treatment area(s) before
starting treatment in order to familiarize yourself with
the environment. Sometimes it helps to actually see
the treatment areas. It makes them seem less mysterious
and can make it easier to visualize the future. The
“unknown” thus becomes more known, which can
lessen the degree of fear. Most importantly, speak with
your partner’s doctor or nurse to get correct information
about what to expect from your partner’s specific
type of treatment, including possible side effects and
how to prevent or treat them.

Of course, it may happen that your partner feels frustrated
by limitations her body places on her, such as
fatigue or other symptoms, during the treatments or
after surgery. Remind her to pace herself, and to make
adjustments according to how she is feeling. This
requires a mental adjustment of how much her body
can handle now versus what it could handle before
cancer treatment. For example, your partner may enjoy
seeing movies but now may not have enough energy to
make a trip to the theater. Rent a movie instead and
stay at home. She may have only enough energy some
nights to watch part of the movie. This is okay. Everyone
needs rest to recuperate, and pushing someone
past reasonable limits can be counterproductive, resulting
in more fatigue and stress.

Another important coping method for many people is
using the social support of friends, family, colleagues,
or others in their “immediate world.” If possible, help
your loved one identify one or two people with whom
he or she can openly share feelings and fears. Just talking
about thoughts, feelings, and concerns is one of the
best ways to get things off one’s chest, problem solve,
and obtain help from others.